Random Ramblings
by swarley and sparkles 5ever
Summary: Each chapter is a short FF that I wrote, it is either based off a prompt, or something that just randomly appeared in my head. Most are Swarkles based, a lot of fluff, some are K others are M, but the overall rating is M for safety reasons :)
1. Eskimo Kisses

**Rating: **M

**Characters: **Robin, Barney

**Prompt: **Swarkles' First Wedding Anniversary

* * *

She breathed heavily, her lungs working overtime to help her catch her breath. The dizzying combination of one too many glasses of wine, and four consecutive orgasms made her head spin. Robin's ear pressed against the bare chest of her husband; listening to his heart race.

Barney buried his face in Robin's almond brown hair, the scent of her raspberry shampoo was intoxicating. "I love you." He whispered, his voice was muffled as he kissed the top of her head.

Robin looked up at him, her hands on his chest, one of her legs draped across his. Her blue eyes met his, and watched them melt. Barney's once ice blue irises were much softer, like the Hawaiian ocean, they were a gentle, and inviting, warm liquid blue. Mesmerized by his eyes, Robin pulled herself closer to him, and gently rubbed the tip of her nose against his.

Barney chuckled in reaction, surprised by her affection, "Scherbatsky, what was that?"

Robin shrugged and kissed his lips, it was a light kiss. She placed her hands resting on his temples, fingers stroking his hair. Robin traced his hairline, lightly tapping her fingers along it, and Barney stared at her, confused by what she was doing. The pointer finger on Robin's left hand tapped a slow trail down the center of his forehead, continuing down the bridge of his nose. Robin made a popping noise with her mouth as she pressed her finger to the tip of his nose.

Robin usually acted affectionate when she'd had a little too much to drink, they both did, but this was overly affectionate, even for Drunk Robin. Barney laughed as he moved her hands from his face and pressed them to his lips.

"I think you had a little too much to drink."

"I think you need more kisses." She said as she brought her face closer to his.

Barney tilted his head slightly to the side, ready to kiss her lips, but Robin pulled away, and he opened his eyes as she rubbed her nose against his.

Robin giggled, "Eskimo kisses!"

"Is this another one of your Canadian sex acts?" A hint of annoyance, spilled into his voice.

"Its one of my 'I love you' acts." She replied as she leaned in, making their noses meet again.

Barney laughed, annoyance replaced with amusement, he loved Drunk Robin. He kissed her on the lips, and Robin kissed back. Their mouths switching from light kisses filled with giggles, to passionate lip-locking, causing the atmosphere to change rapidly in the room. Barney nipped at Robin's neck, eliciting a moan from her. His hands were in entangled in her hair, he pressed his lips against hers with a force that sent a fire through Robin's body. Instantly, Barney was ready to go for round three of that night, they both felt it. Refusing to break the kiss, Barney rolled them over, he laid atop of Robin. Loosening his grip on her hair, Barney moved his hands down her body, and fondled each breast with either of his hands. His lips hungrily found hers, and Barney thrust himself into her, making Robin scream his name, while digging her fingernails into his back.

They were seconds from the point of pure ecstasy, their eyes locked, Barney's filled with the kind of lust that could not be tamed. Robin looked up at him, her back arched, hips grinding against his.

"Wait!" She gasped out.

He knew he didn't have much time left, but Barney obeyed, and pulled out halfway. "What?" he asked, the desperation in his voice was clear.

Pulling his face close to hers she glided the tip of her nose gently against his, giving him eskimo kisses. Unable to hold back, Barney thrust one last time into her, and the two laughed as they climaxed simultaneously.

"Eskimo kisses? Really?" Barney questioned with a smile.

She kissed the tip of his nose in response.

The two were lying on their sides, facing each other. Robin's head rested against the pillow, while Barney propped himself up against his elbow. They stared, mirroring one another's goofy love-sick grins, and puppy dog eyes.

"You're so full of love today." Barney commented with a smile.

He was so grateful to have Robin in his life, she meant the world to him. Barney knew how difficult it was for Robin to open up like this to anyone. For her to trust him, of all people, and be this lovey-dovey with, was the best compliment Barney could ever receive. She satisfied him, and not just in a sexual context — though that was certainly a plus — but in an emotional sense. Robin made him feel like he was worth the trouble, he mattered to her. Barney had struggled with feeling outcasted his entire life, and finally he had a place, somewhere he belonged, it was with Robin, because she made him feel loved.

Robin shrugged nonchalantly, but her eyes screamed _I love you_.

"Happy one year of marriage, Mr. Robin Scherbatsky.

For the first time ever, Barney didn't grimace when she jokingly called him that, instead he laughed and responded, "Happy one year, Mrs. Barney Stinson."

Barney brushed the hair out of her face, and showered her with a line of kisses from the top of her forehead down to the tip of her nose. He pressed his lips together and mimicked the popping noise she'd made earlier, as he touched his pointer finger to her nose.

"Maybe it's the wine talking, but I am kind of loving this Eskimo kisses thing. They can stay." He told her with a smile, then added, "As long as the gang never finds out."

Robin's face lit up, "It will be like our nicknames, just for us. Deal?"

He kissed her as confirmation.

"I love you Swarley." She whispered on his lips, and Barney laughed, "You're the only person who can call me that."


	2. Daisy, This is My Son, Luke

**Rating: **K+

**Characters: **Ted, Tracy, Robin, Barney, Marshall, Lily, Luke, Penny, Daisy

**Prompt: **"Daisy, this is my son, Luke."

* * *

_Year 2043_

Ted's sixty-fifth birthday party was a big one, all of his family, friends, and favorite students, gathered into a hall to celebrate this milestone. Not only was it his birthday, but after much persuading from Tracy, he was finally retiring from the University. Ted was sad to leave his job, however he knew his wife was right, he was getting older and he wanted to enjoy whatever time he had left with his family. After all, Penny was 27 and Luke was 25, he had finished paying for their college, and both had secured positions in their companies that allowed for financial security. Ted was officially done supporting them, he had only his marriage and friends to worry about.

Ted and Tracy walked hand in hand through the hall, they mingled with coworkers and family, greeting everyone with a hug and a smile.

"Theodore Evelyn Mosby!" A familiar voice called from the other side of the room, and Ted turned toward it immediately.

"Barney?" Ted asked, shock and excitement filling every bone in his body.

A grey-haired, slender man in an expensive suit walked towards Ted. His arm was wrapped tightly around the waist of a tall brunette, subtle age lines tugging lightly at the corner of her blue eyes.

Ted gasped, "Robin?"

The couple smiled at Ted, and hugged him and Tracy, then handed them a bottle of champagne.

"Happy Birthday Ted." Robin said with a large grin.

"You guys made it! I can't believe you made it!"

Ted felt like a little kid on Christmas morning, he hadn't seen the gang in years.

"Of course! Do you really think we'd miss this?" Barney asked, slightly offended.

The truth was, when Tracy had put their names on the guest list, he told her not to get her hopes up. Barney and Robin lived an extremely nomadic lifestyle, they traveled around the world constantly. The most he'd seen of them over the past ten years, were some postcards they'd sent in the mail.

"I thought you two were in Thailand!" Tracy exclaimed excitedly.

Barney and Robin exchanged a glance, before he announced the good news, "We are moving back to Manhattan!"

Ted and Tracy hugged them, and the Robin beamed as she explained the new position at WWN as a producer and host of her own investigative reporting show. Barney and Robin followed Tracy to the open bar, as Penny and Luke approached him.

"Hey dad." Penny greeted, as she kissed him on the cheek, and Luke followed, hugging his father tightly before handing him a white envelope.

"It's from both of us." He said with a smile.

Ted was touched, "Kids, you didn't have to."

"We wanted to." Luke said with a smile.

"You know, this reminds me of a time when I was out with your Uncles Barney and—"

"Marshall?" Penny interrupted.

"Yes, but Penny, I thought I taught you better than to interrupt one of my stories."

"No dad, I mean, look. Marshall and Lily are here."

Ted turned towards the direction she was pointing at.

Ted and Marshall spotted each other, and nostalgia flooded his body. "MARSHALL!" he called from across the room, a goofy grin spread across Marshall as he ran towards Ted. The two met halfway, and behind Marshall trailed Lily, and their three kids. Ted hugged Marshall then Lily and the kids. Marshall and Lily embraced Penny and Luke, who were excited to see their honorary Aunt and Uncle.

"Penny, Luke, you remember the Eriksen kids, right? I know we haven't gotten all together, in what ten years?" Ted said, surprised by how long it had been.

"Actually, it has been since Daisy's Sweet Sixteen. So that's about twelve years." Lily corrected.

Ted reintroduced the kids to each other one by one, but stopped after he said, "Daisy, this is my son, Luke." As the two shook hands, Ted saw a flicker of something between the two, a spark in their eyes.

When Luke's green eyes met Daisy's hazel ones, they lit up.

"Luke Mosby." She said in a voice as sweet as honey, and he smiled back at her.

"Daisy, it's good to see you." His voice was deep, the way he said her name sent chills down her spine.

They stopped shaking hands, but they lingered in each other's grasp.

"Can I get you drink?" Luke asked, and Daisy nodded, her curly red hair bouncing against her shoulders.

"I'd like that."

Lily, Marshall, and Ted watched as Luke and Daisy walked toward the bar. The two were talking enthusiastically, Luke said something that made Daisy's giggle echo through the crowded hall.

"Son of a bitch." Lily whispered with a smile on her lips.

"You saw that too right?" Ted replied in a pleasantly surprised tone.

"Do you know what this means?" Marshall asked, and Lily and Ted looked back at him.

"WE'RE GOING TO BE IN LAWS!"


	3. Love or Career

**Rating: **T (for language)

**Characters: **Robin, Barney

**Prompt: **Robin gets fired (sent in by anonymous)

* * *

Barney walked into MacLaren's and instantly spotted Robin at their usual booth. A smile spread across his face, they'd been married for three years, yet he still felt like he'd won the lottery every time he saw her.

When he got closer, the smile on his face faded quickly, Robin was drunker than he'd ever seen her. There were four empty shot glasses in front of her, and the Scotch in her hand was nearly empty, he knew it wasn't her first.

"Robin, its noon, what the hell are you doing drinking so much? You need to get back to work soon, we need to sober you up." Barney called Wendy over and ordered a Gatorade and a burger, she needed the calories to absorb the alcohol and the sports drink to keep herself hydrated. "D-d-don't bother, Winnie." Robin's tongue felt thick in her mouth, and made it difficult to speak. Wendy the waitress looked at Barney who nodded, and went into the kitchen to place the order.

Barney sat next to Robin, and gently pushed her hair out of her face, "Do you want to tell me when you're hammered at," he checked his watched, "_12:24 PM_. Geez, Scherbatsky, you even reek of booze." Robin shoved him, and he almost fell out of the booth. He hated how little bit of control she seemed to have over her strength when she was drunk, "Um, ow." He complained as he sat up and straightened his tie.

"I don't wants to talk about it." Robin's Canadian accent came out heavier than ever, and Barney had to stifle a laugh. "Well there has to be a reason, I haven't see you day drink like this since your precious hockey team lost the Superbowl or whatever."

"S-stanley Cup." She corrected with a drunken slur, "Yeah, I still don't care. But you're clearly upset, so I want you to tell me what's up." Robin saw the look of concern on his face, and then she saw it two more times on either side of him. She wanted to tell him, but it was too painful to think about, so she distracted him. Robin pulled Barney's tie and pressed her lips against his.

At first Barney gave into her aggressive kissing, but the kisses turned sloppy, and kissing while drunk is only fun if you're both drunk, if not its just gross. He pulled away, and took her hands off his tie and placed them in her lap, "No, Robin, kissing you drunk is like making out with a golden retriever." "I s-s-saw you do that before!" She shot back, offended by his rejection. Robin stood up and began to walk away. Barney sighed, and quickly followed her.

He grabbed her arm as she stumbled toward the bathroom, she pushed at him to get away from her, "Robin I'm sorry, let's just talk please." She grabbed his face and kissed him again. This kiss was much shorter, as she abruptly pulled away, and gave Barney an odd look. "What's the mat—" but before he could finish his question, Robin leaned forward and heaved up her breakfast and the several drinks she'd consumed. Barney grimaced and turned toward Wendy who was exiting the kitchen, with a burger in tow, "I'm going to need you to call us a cab."

Back at the Fortress, Barney placed a pillow under Robin's head and put an empty mop bucket on the floor in front of her. "Now if you gotta hurl again, instead of doing it all over my brand new shoes, you have this neat little bucket." Robin smiled apologetically, "Sorry about that." She was still drunk enough that her accent was present, but her sentences had become more coherent. Barney kissed her forehead and climbed onto the couch where she was laying down. She placed her legs on his lap, and he began to rub his feet, "Do you wanna tell me now why you got so drunk earlier?"

Robin covered her face with the blanket, she was so embarrassed, this whole day had been a disaster and she wanted to forget it. "Robin?" Barney asked, "I got fired." She practically whispered from beneath the blanket. Barney stared at her, his mouth agape, he didn't know what to say, or how to react.

Part of him was overjoyed, this meant less traveling which would cut their arguments in half and put less of a strain on their marriage. On the other hand, Robin's career was the majority of her life, if it came down to choosing between him and her career, he wasn't confident that she'd choose him. But he didn't mind, her driven, ambitious personality was a huge part of why he fell in love with her in the first place.

"Robin, I'm so sor—" Barney began, but was instantly cut off, "Don't. Please, I'm not in the mood." He nodded in understanding, but couldn't stop himself from prying, "Can I at least ask why?"

She pulled the blanket off her face and glared at him, "Why do you think?" Barney stared back at her confused, he didn't have the slightest clue. "You're too hot?" he asked, and Robin kicked him lightly. "No, you idiot. It because of you."

Barney jumped off the couch, he was pissed that she would accuse him, "_Me?!_ What the hell did I do?" "Don't act like you don't know." She spat back. Robin tried to sit up, but the room spun viciously, and she quickly lied back down.

"I don't know!" He shouted at her, and Robin rubbed her forehead. She felt like the pressure in her skull would force it to explode, and secretly wished it would so she could get out of this fight. "You don't stop complaining about how much you hate that I'm gone, and when I take you with me you bitch that we are never home. I didn't know what to do anymore, so I tried talking to my boss. I demanded that I go on less trips, and he didn't like it, so he fired me."

Barney suddenly felt like a complete douche for being mad at her, in the choice between him and her career, she'd chosen him. "I was just trying to go on less foreign assignments, I didn't want to put anymore stress on us, and I totally screwed everything up." Robin's voice cracked, Barney rushed to her side and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry Robin. I know how much this job meant to you." She sobbed quietly against his chest, staining his silk shirt, but he didn't mind. He kissed the top of her head, and pulled away from her so that their eyes met, "I am going to everything in my power to get you a job that five — no ten — no a thousand times better. And you're going to make so much more money." He said as he wiped her tears, "A floppity jillion more dollars?" She asked with a smile, and Barney laughed, "Ten floppity jillion dollars more." Thank you, Barney."

Robin felt better for a brief moment, but then it hit her again. Barney saw her face contort with pain, "Robin? What's the matter?" "I think I'm going to hurl." Barney handed her the mop bucket with seconds to spare, he held her hair back and gently rubbed her back as she puked.

They would get through this, he knew they could.


	4. Robin's 1st Mother's Day

**Rating:** K+

**Characters:** Robin, Barney

**Happy Mother's Day x3**

* * *

Sunlight poured into the bedroom, and spilled across her skin, Robin smiled at the warmth of it. Today the atmosphere in her room felt different, Robin hadn't felt this at ease in forever. She opened her eyes slowly, and stretched her arms above her head. Robin yawned lightly, and checked the clock next to her bed, _10:53_ it read, and she smiled. Robin couldn't remember the last time she slept this late. She sat up abruptly, suddenly feared filled her body. _THE BABY_. She thought as she sprang out of bed and threw on her robe and slippers.

Robin's hand was on the doorknob when the door opened, and Barney, walked in carrying a bed tray. On the tray sat a breakfast she could only dream of. The smell of the pancakes and bacon made her stomach growl.

"Robin, you're supposed to be in bed." Barney whined. "Okay, I'll walk out and we'll do it again. Go, go back to bed."

Robin smiled, and did as she was told. She took off her slippers and slid back into the bed, propping herself up with some pillows. A couple seconds later Barney re-entered, and the delicious aroma filled the room again.

"Happy Mother's Day!" Barney proclaimed as she placed the bed tray in front of her. Robin smiled and placed a kiss on his lips, "Thank you" she whispered happily against his lips.

Robin looked down at the food before her, and her mouth began to water. Blueberry pancakes were stacked high next to several pieces of Canadian bacon, and Loretta's famous scrambled eggs sat beside it. There was a small bowl of vibrantly colored fresh fruit, strawberries, kiwis, cantaloupes, tangerine slices and purple grapes all mingled together. Her Canadian flag mug was full of coffee, and a stood next to a large glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

Robin took the first bite of food, and closed her eyes, "Mmm." she hummed with delight. Barney smiled, and stole a grape from the bowl. After about her third or fourth bit of food, Robin realized something was missing.

"Where's Ellie?"

Barney smiled and held up one finger, "Wait for it."

He got off the bed, and walked out of the room.

Robin put down her fork and stared at the door curiously, impatiently awaiting his return. The door opened, but Barney didn't walk through it, instead, eleven month old Ellie waddled through the door, her steps were clumsy and unbalanced.

"Mama!" She called, and her chubby legs picked up speed, carrying her as fast as they could.

Robin's face lit up at the sight of her daughter, she pushed the tray off of her lap and reached over the side of the bed, scooping up little Ellie and hugging her tightly before showering her with kisses.

"Hi there baby girl." She said with a smile, and Ellie responded with some incomprehensible gibberish. Robin laughed, and stroked Ellie's short brown curls.

She was the most beautiful baby Robin had ever seen, perhaps she was biased because it was her kid, but there was no denying Ellie's good genes. She had Robin's soft brown curls, with Barney's large pale blue eyes, and contagious smile. Her chubby arms were cute enough to eat, and Robin bit her playfully, causing the baby to erupt in giggles. Robin was tickling little Ellie when she noticed a ribbon was pinned to her diaper. Attached to the pink ribbon was a small glass bottle with a rolled up piece of white paper, and it was sealed with a tiny cork.

"What the—" Robin said before stopping herself.

She unpinned the ribbon, and untied it from the small bottle. Robin pulled open the cork and slid the paper out of the bottle. The paper was no larger than the palm of her hand, she began to read the words typed across the page.

_Robin,_

_I love to __**sea**__ how you are with our daughter. You are the best mom in the entire world. I can't wait for her to get older, and watch her relation__**ship**__ with you grow. Ellie is our miracle, and I will forever be grateful to you for __**sailing**__ her into our life. You __**cruise**__d through the delivery like a pro, and I am so proud of you. I hope you'll get let me show you just how proud with something __**nautical**__. _

_-Barney _

Robin looked up from the small piece of paper, Barney was standing in the doorway with an envelope in his hand. He picked up Ellie, and sat her on his lap as he joined Robin on the bed.

"I know the puns were pretty lame, but you know what won't be lame? Twelve days on a luxury - wait for it - cruise! A luxury cruise! I already cleared it with your boss, we leave on the 20th." Barney said with a huge grin on his face as he handed her the envelope.

She put it on the bedside table, and placed her hands on the nape of his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Robin pressed her forehead against his and broke their kiss, "I love you." She told him, and Barney smiled, "I love you too."

He kissed her again, and Ellie reached up and grabbed Robin's chin, breaking the kiss and making them both laugh. Robin bent down and kissed Ellie on her forehead, "I love you, too, Munchkin." Barney smiled, and a warm feeling spread through his body, seeing the two most beautiful women in the world sitting next to him, filled him with the kind of love he never even knew he was capable of felling.

Robin grabbed her breakfast tray from the foot of the bed, and continued to eat. Ellie reached for the food, and Barney fed her a strawberry, creating a sticky pink mess on her hands and mouth. Robin cringed slightly at the drooly mess, "You're cleaning her." she warned, and Barney chuckled, "That's fine."

"What are we going to do about Ellie during the cruise?"

"I got that covered."

"Barney, I'm not really comfortable leaving her with anyone that long."

"I know."

"Okay?" She asked confused.

"Ellie's coming with us." Robin opened her mouth to complain, "Op, wait for it." he said, anticipating what she was going to say. "The nanny is coming too. So on special nights, like our anniversary, which just so happens to be during the trip, we can enjoy ourselves. But during the day, we could still be with our princess. And we'll have an extra set of eyes watching her, at all times so we won't feel overwhelmed and can actually relax."

Robin stared at him in awe, "Isn't that the most legendary plan?" Barney asked, he was quite proud that he'd come up with it all on his own. "Very legendary." She replied. "Just wait until you see what I have planned on the cruise." Robin smiled, and kissed him again, causing Ellie to giggle with delight.


	5. Intruder in the Fortress

**Rating: **T (for language/mild violence)

**Characters: **Robin, Barney

**Prompt:** There is an intruder in the fortress

* * *

Robin tossed and turned, something didn't feel right. She turned to her side and looked at the clock on her phone, _3:34AM_ it read. She groaned, and rolled over to snuggle closer to Barney. To her surprise, the pillow next to her was empty, the vague imprint of where his head had been was still visible. Robin sat up, she craned her head toward the door, from where she sat, the lights in the rest of the house appeared to be off.

"Barney?" She called, but there was no response.

Robin walked over to her closet, and pulled out a shotgun. She unlocked the safety and snuck into the living room, silently.

Three large men walked through her living room, they wore black clothes, and were unplugging electronics from the wall. Robin raised the gun, and pointed it at the one she assumed was the leader - he was whispering commands to the other two. The three men stopped moving when they saw her.

"You have to the count of three to put everything down, or I swear to god I'll blow your brains out."

The two accomplices held their hands up, and slowly backed up. But the third one, the ringleader took a step towards her.

"Whoa, take it easy there little lady." He said condescendingly.

Robin stared him down fiercely, "One."

"Come on lady, you're not actually going to shoot me. Why don't you go back to your room so you don't get hurt."

"Two." Robin said through gritted teeth.

"Boss, I don't think she's going to back down." One of the other guys said.

The leader turned around and waved his hand at him, a gesture that said "I have this under control."

"Look miss, you're going to put that gun down, or else." This voice turned from condescending to threatening as he pulled a knife out of his pocket.

Robin had to stifle laughter at the sight of his tiny weapon.

"Now, put that down, or we will have to take care of you like we took care of _him_."

Robin's whole world shattered in that instant, her eyes widened and she gasped audibly. The men smirked, they'd found her weakness.

"What did you do to him?" She shouted.

The main intruder chuckled, "Don't worry about it."

"Three." Robin said as she aimed the gun at the man's kneecap and shot.

He howled in pain, and fell to the floor, "This bitch is crazy." He shouted as he tried to get up.

Robin placed her foot on his chest, and aimed the gun at the other two men.

"Nobody moves."

The other two men looked truly terrified as their friend laid on the ground, bleeding and moaning in pain. "What the hell did you do to my husband?" She shouted. The men were too shook up to answer, "Where is he?!" She demanded.

One finally pointed at their utility closet, and Robin lowered her gun.

"Now get the hell out before I call the cops." She took her foot off the third guy's chest, and he coughed.

"And take your friend with you."

The two men nodded, and helped the third up. He leaned on the other two and they hobbled out of the apartment.

Robin dropped the gun to the ground and ran to the closet. She opened the door, and Barney sat on the ground, they had duct taped his hands and feet together, and there was tape over his mouth. He looked overjoyed to see Robin standing before him. She sighed in relief, and ran to get scissors to cut him out.

After removing the tape and freeing his hands and feet, she looked at him apologetically.

"This is going to hurt." She warned.

Barney braced himself as Robin ripped the tape off his mouth, and he shouted a string of curses.

"I'm sorry." Robin said, but Barney shrugged it off, "I'm just glad you're okay." He told her.

She smiled at him, "Please, like I couldn't handle a few thugs."

Barney chuckled, "Next time, I'm waking you up."

She kissed him, and helped him to his feet.

"Did you really shoot the guy?" Barney asked, and Robin shrugged.

"They were airsoft bullets. He'll be fine."

He smirked at her.

"What?"

"You're so hot when you kick ass." Barney said as he pulled her into their bedroom.


	6. Night Falcon and Midnight Beaver

**Rating:** T

**Characters**: Robin and Barney

**Prompt:** Barney learns the truth behind the 'Night Falcon' (submitted by anonymous)

* * *

It was a snowy December night, Barney was wearing a Burberry coat, and sheepskin gloves, but that didn't stop the shivers from rolling down his spine. He stopped walking and stared at the abandoned parking lot before him. Barney checked his phone _W113th street and Falcon Avenue_, he looked at the street sign on the corner, he was at the right address, but something felt wrong. Barney was always up for a legendary night, but he hated not knowing what the plans were.

"Don't you trust me?" Robin had cooed into his ear the night before, she had her hand moving up his thigh, and her mouth nibbled on his earlobe. How could Barney say no to her when he was in that position. The truth was, they'd just gotten engaged, and Barney didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize their relationship. He knew whatever this was, it was important to Robin and she wanted to share it with him. So he agreed.

As he stood there, staring at the poorly lit parking lot, with overgrown weeds sticking out of the concrete, he regretted it. Finally his phone rang, it was a blocked number, Barney sighed and went along with it. "Go for—"

"Don't say your name." The voice on the other end hissed.

"Who is this?"

"That's not relevant. You must do precisely as I say."

"Why should I listen to you?"

"Do you like living?"

Barney gulped, this phone call just want from strange to terrifying.

"Well do you?" the unfamiliar voice hissed.

"Yes." Barney tried to hide the fear in his voice, but failed.

"Good. Then do as I say. Take twenty steps North."

Barney walked, and looked down, at his feet was a small hole in the pavement; about a foot deep.

"Remove the box, and put on the clothing."

Barney did as he was told, and gasped when he saw what was in the box.

"Nope. Not going to happen. Do you know how expensive this suit is? You think I want to trade it for that spandex nightmare? I'll look like a giant purple dildo. Nope, sorry bro, ain't going to happen. The Barnman does not do—"

"SILENCE!" The voice yelled, and Barney obeyed.

"You will do as you're told if you want to live."

"Where am I even supposed to change?" Barney whined.

"Two hundred feet to your right."

Barney walked across the parking lot, and there was a men's bathroom there. The bathroom looked like a jail cell, and everything seemed to be made of concrete, not to mention there was no light. Barney folded his suit gently so that is wouldn't wrinkle and placed it in the box where he'd found the spandex nightmare he was about to put on. The worse part of the atrocious body suit was how tight it was, though Barney enjoyed that it left little to the imagination, he was not fond of how it stuck to his skin. He slipped the hood over his head and sighed. He was grateful that there was no light and couldn't see just how ridiculous he looked.

Barney exited the bathroom, and pressed his phone to his ear, "Okay, I'm suited up. Now what?"

"Look down."

Barney rolled his eyes, and saw a gun and holster at his feet.

"What the hell?!"

"Pick it up. It is your only weapon. Good luck Midnight Beaver."

"Midnight who?" Barney asked, but the line went dead. "This is stupid." he muttered and strapped on the holster, and placed his phone in it.

"Robin?" He called But he was alone in the abandonned parking lot. "ROBIN!" He yelled louder. Still no answer

_This must be some elaborate prank that she put together, and it's pretty lame, Ted must've helped._

Someone grabbed him from behind. and placed their hand over his mouth. "Don't say a word." She whispered into his ear, and Barney recognized the voice, "Ro—" "Did you not hear me? Don't say a word." He tried to free himself from her grasp, but she was strong for such a skinny woman. "You can't say my name. Here I am Night Falcon. I can't explain, just follow my lead."

Barney opened his mouth to protest, but Robin tightened her hold on him, "Nod if you trust me." Barney nodded, "Good. Then lets go." She released him, and he turned around to see Robin wearing a spandex suit identical to his,. The difference was she looked insanely hot in hers. The shiny purple fabric clung to each and every contour on her body. He was speechless.

"Come on, they'll be here any minute."

Barney didn't even both to ask, instead he did as he was told. After a couple minutes he understood, this was exactly like laser tag, except creepier and much more dangerous. Barney loved every second of it, the adrenaline pumping through his veins made him feel invincible. He and Robin were unbeatable.

At the end of the night, the two sat in the back of a cab, wearing their street clothes. "Robin, what _was_ that?!" She smiled at him, "Seriously that was the greatest thing I've ever done. Aside from sex with you." They high fived, and Robin laughed, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Wait … what?"

"Barney, its like fight club."

"You mean I can't tell anyone?"

"Tell anyone what?" She asked with a confused expression.

"Robin I—" The cab shrieked to a stop, and Robin got out, Barney followed.

"Fight club, Barney." Her tone was serious, and as her eyes bore into his, he knew she wasn't messing around. "Fight club." He agreed.


	7. Oh Canada

**Rating:** M

**Characters:** Robin, Barney

**Prompt:** Swarkles having sex in front of a Canadian flag

* * *

"Barney," Robin whispered as he kissed down her neck, his hands sliding down her body. "Wh-what if someone sees?" "Free show" he said with laugh and before she could protest he placed a hand under her dress.

In that moment she didn't care that they were in the WWN building's international conference room. Barney lifted her up,and her back was pressed against the wall, her legs wrapped around his waist. His was three fingers deep inside her, Robin moaned and begged him not to stop. As he left a trail of hickeys down her neck, she fumbled with his belt.

Along the walls of the room were large flags representing the dozens of nations that WWN had sister stations in. Barney pulled Robin off the wall and laid her down on the nearest conference table. He thrust inside her and she threw her head back, screaming his name in pleasure. He covered her mouth with his own, doing it in public was a huge turn on for both of them, but getting caught — not so much.  
After she finished, Robin climbed off the table and kneeled in the floor. Barney closed his eyes as her mouth wrapped around him. He was seconds away from cumming when he looked up and started laughing hysterically. Annoyed, Robin looked up at him, but then she saw it too and joined in his laughter.

The table they were on was against the wall of flags and above them, the Canadian flag.

"Did we just bone in front of a Canadian flag?" Barney asked with a smirk.

"What better way to honor our shared heritage?" Robin laughed, and Barney looked at her and lifted an eyebrow "Wanna go again?"


	8. Plot Twist

******Rating:** K+

**Characters: **Robin, Ted, Barney

**Prompt:** Robin and Ted in an abusive relationship, Barney comes to the rescue (sent in by anon)

* * *

Robin sat at the bar, with tears in her eyes, a Scotch in her hand. Barney, one of her best friends in the world gestured towards the seat next to her.

"This seat taken?" He joked.

"Barney!"

Robin jumped up and greeted him with a hug. She needed support right now, she needed her best friend.

After a couple more drinks, Robin was finally ready to talk.

"What's going on? Is it Ted again?" He asked.

Robin nodded, she felt embarrassed.

"We fought, it was bad this time Barney. _Really_ bad."

"How bad?"

"Ten stitches bad."

"Robin," Barney's voice was full of remorse, but she stopped him before he could say anymore.

"We are both fine now. Just let it go." She faked a smile, she hated when Barney worried.

"Robin, this is dangerous. This fighting is getting out of hand. You have to get out of this relationship. It's unhealthy, for both of you. I can't let go of something that's clearly upsetting you."

"What am I supposed to do then, Barney? I can't just leave him, we're married." Robin was fearful, she couldn't leave Ted, even if it's what was best.

"Do you love him?"

"We're married." Robin repeated.

"Doesn't mean you still love him. If you don't do something about it, I will. I can't just stand by and watch anymore."

"What are you going to do?"

"Don't worry about."

Robin called after him, but Barney had already left.

Ted felt awful, he couldn't believe that their fight had escalatedthis way, again. One moment they were having a nice dinner, then they began to argue. Next thing he knew, there were dishes flying, and blooding everywhere.

Three loud knocks on the door made him jump. He rushed to the door, and looked the peephole, expecting to see Robin.

Ted unlocked the door, and opened it. "Barney?"

Barney grabbed Ted by the shoulders forcablly, "I know, Ted."

Confused, Ted stared at him, "You know what?"

"Robin told me."

Ted's eyes widened in understanding, their dirty secret was out. Robin had told Barney. Tears welled up in his eyes, and Ted fought with all he had not to breakdown.

"Ted," Barney gripped tighter at his shoulders, "you guys have to end this."

"I know. I'm just so embarrassed, I feel awful."

"Robin is my best friend, but so are you. So, I'm here for you, Ted, anything you need."

"I need you not to grip my shoulders so hard." Ted said with a half smile.

Barney moved his hands off Ted's shoulders, and down his arms. Their hands lingered on Ted's and he got that hungry look in his eyes. One that made Ted's stomach flutter.

"Barney … uh … what are you doing?" Ted asked nervously.

Barney smirked at Ted, and leaned in, kissing him lightly on his lips. He pulled away, and saw Ted still leaning forward, his eyes closed and lips pursed.

Ted cleared his throat and composed himself, "Wh-what was that for?" he stuttered.

Barney shrugged, " Ted, you're my best bro. I love you more than anyone, and you don't deserve to be treated the way you are. _Ten stitches_? Do you know how scared I was when I heard that? I worry about you. I love Robin too, she's great, but her anger is out of control. Ted, you deserve better."

"Who? Who's better than Robin."

"Me."

"Barney, that's ridiculous. I should be with you?" Ted smiled, Barney couldn't be serious.

Except, he was.

You should be with me."

Barney's blue eyes gazed into Ted's, he was in love with him, and he finally had the courage to admit it. Ted could see it now, all those late nights at the bar, the reason he hated all of Ted's girlfriends, his constant suggesting of threeways. It finally made sense.

Ted stared at Barney, mouth agape in shock, "I don't believe this. I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything."

Barney wrapped his arms around Ted's neck and kissed him again. Ted hesitated to kiss him back, but finally he gave into his true feelings. Letting the emotions he'd been holding back all these years take over.


	9. Daddy's Home

**Rating: **T (for language)

**Characters:** Robin, Barney

**Happy Father's Day x3 **

* * *

_Barney's Blog 6/17/2018_

_"Daddy's Home"_

_Today is the day to celebrate all the bros out there that let one of their swimmers escape the barrier wall, and infiltrate the dreaded egg. That's right! It's Father's Day!_

_Ten years ago I would've celebrated that I couldn't celebrate today, but not anymore. If you think that becoming a father is the horrible consequence of an expired latex, or a unprotected quickie, you're wrong. Yes, accidently knocking up some bimbo in a bar bathroom would be the worst thing to ever happen to your penis, but, accidently knocking up your wife who thought she was infertile. That's the most awesome day of your life._

_It's funny, you think you'd hate it, or be a terrible father, but first time you hold that tiny little person, everything changes. It feels like you just bought a new suit, while drinking a smooth Scotch, and smoking a Cuban cigar all at once. Knowing that you made this little person, this life, it's something you can't appreciate until you experience it._

_Today is the day to appreciate the old man who's balls you fled from long ago, as well as the little suckers who escaped from yours. So grab your Pops, take him to the Annual Tri-State Father-Son Laser Tag Competition. Buy him some onion rings, and bond while watching my dad and I whoop the asses of Boy Scout Troop 5967 and their lame-not-nearly-as-awesome-as-mine dads. Afterwards you might bump into me and my smoking hot wife, if you're not annoying I'll be signing copies of the bro code._

_To all the proud dad's out there, Happy Father's Day. And to all the proud bachelors on the prowl, Happy Not-A-Father's Day._

Barney closed his laptop, and grabbed a silver picture frame from off his desk. He smiled at the picture of his beautiful family. Robin hated that picture, she was caught off-guard and was laughing at the time, but when Barney saw it he could hear her adorable giggle, with the little half snort that made his heart melt. His favorite part of the photo was Ellie, she sat on Robins lap, her big blue eyes staring at her mother. Her smile was identical to Robin's and her chubby little arms wrapped around Robin's neck, clinging to her like a baby monkey.

Three soft knocks on the door made Barney jump, he put the photo down and looked up.

"Daddy!" Ellie called out in a sing-song voice.

Barney Lifted Ellie onto his lap, showering her with kisses. She giggled, then pulled away, holding up a blue sheet of construction paper.

"Looka what I made." She said proudly and Barney took the paper from her.

In an almost eligible scribble, the words "I love you dad" were written across the sheet in his hands. The letter "e" was backwards, and underneath was a picture of two smiley faces, one with short blonde hair, the other with long brown curls.

"It's me and you. " she said pointing to the picture.

"I love it." Barney said as he buried his face in her hair, forcing himself not to cry.

"Mommy helped with my letters."

"Dod she?"

"I did. " Barney looked up and saw Robin standing in the doorway, one hand resting on a very prominent pregnant belly. "I helped, but it was Ellie's idea."

Barney carried Ellie on his hip, and walked over to Robin, He kissed her on the lips, then kissed her belly, causing Ellie to giggle.

"Happy Fathers Day." Robin said with a smile.

Barney placed Ellie down, and wrapped his arms around Robin's waist.

"Thank you." he whispered against her lips.

"For what?"

Barney rest his hand on her belly, "For giving me a family."

Robin grabbed him by his tie and kissed him passionately.

"I love you so damn much." She told him.

"Oo momma said a bad word. Momma said a bad word. Momma said a bad word " Ellie sang as she skipped around her parents.

"Someone needs to put a dollar in the swear jar." Barney teased.

"Mommy does. Mommy does." Ellie continued to sing.

Robin looked at Ellie apologetically, "You're right." she pulled a dollar out of her pocket and handed it to the eager child next to her.

"I'll do it!" Ellie ran out of the room, leaving Barney and Robin alone.

Barney kissed Robin, grabbing her ass in the process. "Barney!" she chastised with a giggle.

"Sorry Scherbatsky, I just fucking love you."

Robin gasped in mock horror, "Language! That's a dollar in the swear jar."


	10. More Than Enough

**Rating:** K+

**Characters:** Barney, Robin

**Prompt:** Swarkles gets a dog (sent by anonymous)

* * *

Red, yellow, and orange leaves littered the trees and the ground beneath their feet. Robin loved Central Park in Autumn, the leaves dancing with the wind, the red-brown hues of the foliage surrounding them, it was breath-taking.

She squeezed Barney's hand a little tighter, and leaned her head against his shoulder. They'd had a picnic earlier, taken a stroll around the park, and were now sitting on a bench, watching the sunset over the Manhattan skyline. She sighed, contentment filling her, Robin loved her husband, and she loved her life with him. However, she sensed the feeling wasn't mutual, resting her head against him, she felt the tenseness of his muscles. Robin looked up at Barney's face, and saw a longing in his eyes, he was missing something.

Barney watched as a group of three small children played with a large golden retriever. They tossed handfuls of leaves at one another, the dog barked excitedly, causing the kids to erupt in giggles. His mouth upturned in a smile, but his eyes had a hint of sadness in them. He felt Robin shift slightly beside him, and met his eyes with hers.

"Barney," Robin began, hesitation and fear filling her voice, "am I enough?"

Barney was taken aback, he knew Robin's infertility was something she saw as a weakness, something she believed made her inadequate. He wasn't sure where this sudden insecurity in their relationship came from.

"Robin, I love you more than anyone or anything." He reassured her, "Why would you ever think you weren't enough?"

Robin shrugged, of course Barney loved her, she felt foolish for even questioning it.

"It's stupid."

"No it's not."

His eyes stared into hers, full of concern. That look was like a truth serum to her, whenever Barney looked at her like that, she couldn't hide anything from him. The blue in his eyes were a sea of love, he genuinely cared about her and her feelings, it was overwhelming for Robin, no one ever looked at her that way.

"I saw you watching those kids." She admitted.

Barney looked at her with confusion, then turned to the kids playing with the large dog, and began to laugh. Robin's face flushed red with embarrassment and annoyance, she let go of his hand, and stood up, and began to walk away from him.

_I should've just kept my mouth shut, I knew it was stupid._

Robin thought to herself, as angry tears welled up in her eyes. She wasn't enough, and Barney was mocking her for it, she could never be enough for anyone.

Barney raced to catch up with her, and wrapped her in his arms. At first she fought against him, but when he pressed her head to his chest, Robin gave in. Her tears stained his tie, and Barney held her tight, feeling guilty for laughing.

"Oh, come here." He said sympathetically.

"I knew this would happen eventually." She muttered against his shirt.

"Knew what would happen?"

"You'd want kids, and I can't give you that. Even if I wanted them – which I still don't. I'm not –"

"Robin." Barney stopped her midsentence, his heart was breaking from the words she spoke.

He place a finger under her chin and lifted it gingerly, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"Baby, I love you for you, kids or no kids. I married you, I fell in love with you, not the possibility of starting a family. You mean more to me than children, or money, or even suits."

He smiled at her, and she laughed lightly. Barney wiped tears from her eyes, and kissed her forehead.

"Okay, so then why were you looking at those kids like that."

Barney stifled a laugh, "Robin, I was looking at the dog."

"The dog?"

"Yeah."

"You're an idiot."

Robin chuckled, and Barney joined in, pretty soon, they were laughing hysterically and the ridiculous misunderstanding.

* * *

_A Few Days Later_

* * *

"Robin, if this is some crazy sex game or another one of your Canadian sex acts, I've got to warn you, I had a big lunch, so nothing that will make me dizzy. Okay?"

"Shut up, and just put on the blindfold." She said with a smile.

"Oo, demanding. I like it." Barney smirked, and Robin rolled her eyes.

Grabbing his hand, Robin lead Barney into their living room, and placed a sheet of paper in his hands.

"Okay, take off the blindfold now." She instructed.

Barney removed the black material from his eyes, and stared at the paper in his hand. The words "Certificate of Adoption" were in large bolded cursive at the top. He lowered the certificate, and saw Robin sitting on the floor, holding a German Shepard puppy on her lap.

The dog yipped happily as Barney approached it. Barney kneeled, and scratched behind the dog's ear, who closed his eyes in response, and opened his mouth slightly with satisfaction.

Robin handed the puppy to Barney who held him eagerly, and she smiled. The dog immediately took to Barney, sniffing him and licking his face. Robin's expression quickly changed from delight to disgust, and Barney let the dog lick the inside of his mouth.

"Don't let him lick you mouth, he licks himself." She said repulsed.

Barney covered the puppy's ears, and looked up at Robin, "That was one time, okay? Besides he's a dog, I'm such he's licked worse stuff."

Uncovering the dog's ears, Barney cooed at him sweetly, making the dog's short tail wag. "Isn't that right little guy? You're just a lovable wittle puppy. Yes you are."

Robin scratched the top of the dog's head, while Barney rubbed his back.

"So what should we name the little guy?" He asked, "I was thinking Broseph. We could call him Broey for short."

Robin smiled, "You didn't read the whole certificate did you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I already named him."

She handed him the adoption certificate, and Barney read aloud.

_"This is to certify that on October 21__st__, 2014, Robin Scherbatsky-Stinson adopted –"_

Barney stopped reading and looked up at Robin increduously, "Really?"

"I named him after you."

Robin turned to the puppy in Barney's hands and spoke in a baby voice, "Isn't that right Swarley?"

"I hate you." Barney laughed, and Robin kissed him.

"You love me."

"I do."

"And I love you too, Swarley."

Barney grimaced, and Robin laughed.

"What's the matter, Swarls?"

"You know I hate that name."

"But it's _your_ name."

"No! I hate it!"

"Swar-waitforit-LEY! Swarley!" Robin said in a voice that mimicked his usual catchphrase.

"Really, Sparkles, you want to start this?"

She pushed him playfully, her face turning red from the reference to her teen years. The two continued their playful banter, with little Swarley barking cheerfully.

Later that night, Robin laid the puppy in a small doggy bed they'd purchased, and rubbed it's belly, while speaking sweetly to him. Barney looked at his wife playing with their puppy, and a sense of contentment filled him. He had everything he could ever dream of, and more. Robin kissed the puppy on his head, and left the room to brush her teeth before bed.

Barney walked up to the doggy bed, and pet the puppy, whispering to him quietly.

"Hey there little guy. You know, you have the most awesome mom in the world? No only is she sweet and loving, she's completely badass. She's makes the best laser tag partner, and can handle her Scotch like a pro. Even though she gave you an awful name, and is _Canadian_, you're going to love her anyway.

"She loves dogs more than anyone I've ever met, and years ago when she had to give her five dogs away, I went with her. Afterwards, we sat in the car and she cried so hard. She told me she was afraid of losing Ted, she said that this was important to him so she'd made the sacrifice, even though it killed her.

"So, when we were at the park a few days ago, I saw those kids playing with a dog, and I thought about that day. I was wondering if she would do that for me, that's when I realized I didn't want her to.

"I love her, and I just hope she never realizes that she's way too good for me."

The dog barked, then licked Barney's hand.

"That's right Swarley, I love you too. And I'm actually starting to like your stupid name. Just don't tell mom, okay?"

The dog barked again in response.

"Awesome."

Barney stuck out his hand, Swarley placed his paw in it, and Barney smiled.

"Not bad for your first high five."

Robin watched from the doorway, toothbrush in hand, and tears in her eyes. She'd heard everything, and Barney had no idea.


	11. Best Couple Ever

**Setting:** Argentina 2016

**Characters:** Robin, Barney

**Rating:** T (for language)

**written for nerdgirl93 on tumblr :) **

* * *

_Ping._

Robin's phone chirped eagerly, the charger connected to the wall sent juice through its circuitry, reviving the phone from the dead after a grueling ten hour flight.

Robin wasted no time, immediately after the phone had enough charge to be used, she did. She typed quickly, sending emails, doing researching and making sure all was running smoothly back home.

With both their bags in hand, Barney struggled to enter the hotel room. Frustrated, he tossed the luggage in a corner then belly flopped onto the bed.

Annoyed by the sudden shift in the bed beneath her, Robin rolled her eyes, then turned back to her phone.

_Click, click, clickclickclickclick._

Robin's fingers raced along the phone's small touchscreen, the sound of the letter clicking was driving Barney mad.

"For god sakes Robin, we just got here. Can you turn the phone off for ten seconds?"

He made no effort to shield the annoyance in his tone, and Robin shot him a dirty look, then turned back to her phone.

_Clickclickclickclick. Click, click, clickclickclickclick_

Groaning in anguish, Barney buried his face into the overstuffed pillow, trying to ignore the incessant clicking.

After five minutes, he couldn't take it anymore. Barney stood up and walked over to his carry on, retrieving his laptop from it. He placed the thin silver computer on the nightstand, and sat on back down on the bed. He turned to his wife, and asked in a calm voice.

"Hey, did you get the password?"

Robin looked up from her phone, her fingers stopped moving, the clicking noise finally ended. She though for a moment, and realized she had no idea what he was talking about.

"What password?"

"You know, for the wi-fi. Usually when they give you the key, they give you a bunch of crap like the wi-fi password."

"Oh, that password." Robin turned back to her phone, and the clicking ensued, "Yeah there's no wi-fi here."

Barney closed his laptop, and stared at her, eyes wide, mouth agape. "You're fucking kidding right?"

Robin snorted out a small laugh, then looked up from her phone, only to be met with a gaze of fury. Her smile quickly dissipated, angry encasing her expression as well.

"Barney, it's wi-fi. It's not that serious."

"Not that serious? Not that _serious?_" He repeated for emphasis, and Robin clicked her tongue in annoyance as she awaited his rant.

"Robin, wi-fi is what makes the world go round. I don't know what kind of Medieval shack your job has set us up in, but I cannot go _two weeks_ without wi-fi. How am I supposed to do my job? How are you even on your phone? You're just going to run up our bill with these insane roaming charges? It is 2016, and hotels without wi-fi still exist? What kind of third world, banana republic is this? Seriously, Robin, I could—"

Much to his chagrin, Barney's rant was interrupted by Robin's phone ringing. She looked at him, then her phone, and Barney rolled his eyes.

"Answer it." His voice was acidic from disdain.

Robin checked the caller ID, "It's work." She defended.

"It always is."

Robin pressed the phone to her ear, Barney walked over to the large wine basket that had been sent for them. It sat cheerfully on the small table in the corner of the room. He opened a bottle and poured himself a glass of red wine, drinking it quickly.

He was halfway through his third glass when Robin finally hung up the phone. Barney paced the room anxiously, placing his wine glass down on the bedside table.

He took a deep breath before his spoke, trying not to continue an argument that would only upset them both.

"There may not be wi-fi, but at least we get to spend the first six days just enjoying Argentina. Right?"

He took a step closer to her, and placed his hand on Robin's waist.

"Uh-huh." Robin said unconvincingly, her eyes avoiding his like the plague.

"We do still have the first six days just to ourselves, right? No work, just sightseeing and sex. _Right_?"

Barney forced Robin to look at him, and she shrugged sheepishly, "Yeah, about that…" Her voice drifted off.

Barney moved his hand from her waist, and walked away. He couldn't stand to look at her right now. The only reason he'd agreed to come on this trip in the first place, was because he believed at least half the time would be spent with Robin.

"This is unbelievable."

"Barney, we are still in Argentina. This can still be a great trip."

His anger from earlier resurfaced, fueled by the red wine in his system, turning to face her, Barney shouted, "THIS IS SO NOT GREAT!"

"I'm sorry that I have to _work_ while I'm here!" Robin spat back, sarcasm infused in each word, "It's called _being on assignment._"

"What about_ me_? There's no wi-fi in this hotel." Barney lifted his laptop, angriliy waving it at her, "How am I supposed to run a business, Robin, with no _wi-fi_?"

"It's not a business, Barney! It's a blog! Okay?" She'd had enough of his whining about petty things.

"It is a lifestyle blog, for the upscale -" Barney began, and Robin immediately tuned him out. She was so sick of this argument, she was jetlagged and exhausted, all she wanted was a long bath and some warm pajamas to sleep in.

Barney finished talking and grabbed his wine glass off the nightstand, taking a long sip. Robin rubbed her forehead, then took a deep breath, "I know I'm always traveling." Her voice sounded semi-apologetic, but mostly exasperated.

"We both hate it when I'm gone," she continued, "we both hate it when I drag you with me. "

An awful though popped up in her head, and before she could stop herself, Robin heard her own voice saying, "Is this just not working anymore?"

The words left her mouth too soon, and her voice cracked slightly on the last syllable.

Barney, still reeling from finishing his third glass of wine, took a moment to comprehend what she said. "Wait. What this? _This '_this'_?_" He asked, gesturing towards them.

Hurt that he didn't immediately deny it, Robin continued to speak, she was waiting for some reassurance from her partner. Waiting for him to laugh off the idea of them ever not being together. Waiting for something, anything, that would resemble hope for this relationship.

"If I gave you an out - right now – if there was an exit ramp right here, at the three year mark," Robin paused, "would you take it?"

Barney couldn't believe she was saying this, was this what Robin thought he wanted? Was this what _she_ wanted? The room suddenly felt much smaller, the idea of divorcing Robin made his stomach churn. His throat ran dry, his mouth void of any saliva.

"Robin," He said shakily, "I love you."

Tears welled up in her eyes, but she kept a smile on her lips to keep herself from falling apart. Barney reached for her hand, and she placed it in his, the two sat on the foot of the bed.

"When we got married," Barney stared at his wedding band as he spoke, recalling the memories of their wedding.

Robin had looked so gorgeous in her gown, when she walked down the aisle, the realization that she would forever be his, was overwhelming. Barney forced his tear ducts to stay strong as Robin stood before him, professing her love to him. A bro doesn't cry at weddings, especially not when he's the groom. But the idea that anyone, especially Robin, could love him enough to commit themselves to him, Barney Stinson, for all of eternity, was enough to bring him to tears. He stood there, before friends and family, and admitted that he would love her forever. On that night, Barney had vowed many things to his future wife. He vowed to be her rock when she needed it, to always check with her before heading to a strip club, to always choose her to be his laser tag partner. But most importantly, he vowed to always tell her the truth, no matter how daunting, or trivial it may be.

"I made a vow, that I would always tell you the truth."

Robin bit her bottom lip to keep it from quivering, and grabbed his hand a little tighter, bracing herself for what he would say next.

"The truth is, I'm pissed. I hate being away from you, I love how successful you are, but I hate being alone. But if I took that exit, we'd both be alone, and that is the last thing I want. Robin, when we got married, I vowed to tell you the truth, not because it would be easy, or because it would keep the peace, but because I love you."

Robin placed her hands on his face, and kissed him lightly on the lips, sighing in relief as their mouths touched.

"I'm so sorry, Barn, I hate leaving you like this. I love you so much, I just get so scared, I don't want you to resent me."

"Resent you? For what? Allowing me to travel around the world for free, with my hot wife?"

Robin chuckled, and wiped tears from her eyes, "This is my dream, but I don't want you to abandon yours for it."

"Stop trying to push me away, Robin," Barney pulled her face close to his, his eyes boring into her's, "I am not going anywhere. My dream, is for you to be happy. You are my dream. And if being with you means that we get stuck in Argentina with no wi-fi, fine. No matter how much we argue, I never want you to offer me an out again, because I'm not going to take it. You are the love of my life."

He could see vague traces of skepticism and guilt in her eyes, Barney needed to prove it to her. He let go of her hand, and got down on one knee on the floor in front of her.

Barney took off his wedding band, and held it up to her, "Robin Sherbatsky-Stinson, I vow to always be supportive of you and your career. No matter how frustrated I get with the lack of wi-fi, time apart from you, or whatever else. Will you please stay married to me?"

Robin smiled down at him, "Yes."

Barney's smile mirrored her own, she took his ring from his hand and placed it on her own finger.

"I think the ring is a little big."

Barney shook his head, and laughed lightly, then pulled her in for a kiss.

Pushing her back on the bed, Barney's kisses quickly went from sweet to alluring, making Robin forget why she'd ever offer him the out in the first place.

"Wait," Robin broke the kiss, placing her hands on his chest, gently moving him off of her.

"What's up?"

"I want to make a vow to you, too."

"Robin, that's not necessary. I have you, that's all the promise I need."

"No, I want to."

Robin climbed off the bed, and got down on one knee before him, as he'd done to her.

"Barney Stinson, I vow to always check if the hotel has wi-fi prior to our trips, and to make sure we always have at least one day together, no matter where we are. Do you still want to stay married to me?"

Barney stood up, and grabbed her hands, pulling her off the ground, "I do."

Her soft lips are met with his, but she quickly pulled away, causing Barney to let out a groan.

"Wait,"

"Again?"

"Do you realize what just happened?"

"You killed my boner?"

Robin laughed at his crudeness, "Not that. We just resolved this fight—"

"Without the help of the group." Barney finished the sentence for her, his eyes lighting up with the childlike innocence she loved so much.

"BEST COUPLE EVER!" They chanted in unison, their hands slapping against each other in a victorious high five.


	12. Swarkles vs The Ref

**Rating: **T (for language)

**Characters: **Barney, Robin, Ted, Luke, Penny, Tracy

_**Based off a text post on tumblr**_

* * *

Barney held Robin's hand as they trailed behind their eight year old son. His messy blonde curls were overgrown, and bounced as he ran toward the field. He dribbled a soccer ball as he walked.

Barney and Robin took a seat on the hard metal bleachers, that had been warmed by the late April sun. They watched the team begin to warm up. Their son, Charlie, stood in front of the goal, catching each and every ball that came his way. Robin wore a smile of pride, but Barney saw the fierce competitiveness in her eyes and shot her a warning glance.

"What?" She asked, feeling his eyes bore into hers.

"Cool it, Scherbatsky."

"I didn't say anything!"

"_Yet_."

Robin sighed, "Barn, not this again."

"I'm just saying, this game is important to Charlie, so just, okay?"

"Barney, I took off of work for this, I know how it important it is."

Barney didn't want to provoke Mama Bear Robin, but he also didn't want to get thrown out of yet another game.

"Okaaaay …" Barney said, shooting her yet another warning glance. Robin rolled her eyes in response.

A short, scrawny boy with a goofy grin, and untamed brown hair ran up to where Robin and Barney sat, waving excitedly.

"Hi, Aunt Robin! Hi, Uncle Barney!" Luke Mosby gave his honorary aunt and uncle each a hug before sprinting off to join the other boys on the field. About ten steps away from the bleachers, he tripped, falling flat on the ground. Ted and Tracy quickly rush over, helping their son to his feet, and brushing off his grass stained uniform.

"Go get 'em, Champ!" Ted encouraged as he tousled his son's wild hair.

Tracy and Ted took a seat beside Penny, who was already sitting next to Robin and Barney. She held a book in her hand and was clearly uninterested in the sporting event her brother was about to take part in.

The game began, and for the first half, Robin remained calm. Charlie was playing well, she and Barney cheered for him on several occasions. Their cheers were so loud, that several parents nearby gave them dirty looks.

During the first ten minutes, one of the older boys on the opposing team kicked the ball, sending it flying through the air, hurling towards the net. Charlie dove, the athletic instinct he'd inherited from his mother took over, and caught the ball, preventing the first goal.

Barney and Robin jumped up quickly, shouting _woo'_s loud enough to jolt Penny from her seat, causing her to drop her book in surprise. Ted gave them a disapproving look, as Tracy laughed, while shaking her head.

Two minutes into the second half, and Robin was getting antsy, Barney sensed it. He placed his hand on her knee and rubbed it reassuringly. She looked at him and smiled, but her eyes were screaming to make a scene.

_Just twenty minutes. You can make it twenty more minutes. _

He encouraged telepathically, and Robin nodded. She didn't want to embarrass Charlie by getting kicked out again, this game was important to him.

However, only seconds after their telepathic conversation, a mean looking redhead, pushed into Charlie. The boy had at least twenty pounds on their son, and Charlie fell to the ground.

Robin clenched her fists until her knuckles turned white, her blood boiled. Barney placed a hand on her shoulder, encouraging her that kids are rough in sports all the time. "The ref will call him out on that, there's no way he's going to let that snotty nosed brat get away with that."

Robin was no where near calm, but she was tamed, momentarily, at least.

"Come on son, brush it off!" Barney called from the stands. He kept one hand cupped over his mouth to amplify his voice, the other one gently rubbing Robin's shoulder.

Charlie stood up slowly, and placed his hand to his mouth, which was spewing blood like a broken hydrant. The coach ordered Charlie to take a seat on the bench, and with a devastated expression on his face, he swapped in Luke Mosby.

Robin ran from the bleachers to the field, the coach asked for a time out as Robin began screaming a string of obscenities.

The referee said, clearly annoyed by Robin's adamant attitude. "Ma'am, please return to your seat so the game can continue."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?! My son gets knocked down by this little troll, and you are going to keep him in the game?"

"They're kids," The ref continued, the same annoyed tone consuming his voice, "sometimes they fall down. Now, can we get back to the game?"

"_Fall down?!_ That little shit pushed him!"

Barney raced from the bleachers and pulled Robin away just as she began to lunge toward the ref.

Robin fought Barney off and continued to shout at the ref. The commotion caught the attention of everyone on the bleachers and the other kids on the team.

"Dude, your mom is crazy." One of the Charlie's teammates told him, and he smiled in response.

"Yeah, she is."

The ref was furious, he brought his red angry face close to her's as Barney grabbed Robin's arms, pulling her back from the fight he saw brewing.

"That's it Lady, you're outta line. Get out of here!"

Robin laughed loudly at him, "You think you can throw me out? That's funny! I'm not going anywhere while my son sits on the bench bleeding."

The coach ran between the two, he looked desperately at Barney.

"Hey, Barney, control your wife."

"_Control _me? Oh, that's rich." Robin laughed again, and a look of anger crossed Barney's face.

He turned to face Robin, and let go of her arm, "Go ahead, baby. Kick some ass."

Robin winked at him, then turned, and tackled the ref to the ground. A second referee came running towards them, blowing his whistle furiously, as Barney stood back, watching it all unfold.

"Get 'em mom!" Charlie cheered as he held a tissue to his still bloody lip.

Ted and Tracy raced down from the bleachers, "Barney, do something!" Ted shouted.

"Ted, she's got this. I let her fight her own battles."

Tracy walked over to Charlie, who was smiling happily, despite having a busted lip. She took out a first aid kit from her oversized purse, and began to care for Charlie's wound.

"I'm fine." He muttered, trying to push away Tracy's hand, but she glared at him. The intimidating look in her large brown eyes, shut him up. Charlie begrudgingly let Tracy take care of him.

Robin pursed her lips, and hocked loogie in the ref's face, as the coach pulled her off of him.

"Alright, Stinson, you're out of here. All three of you!" The second ref demanded, as he blew the whistle loudly in Barney's face.

"I know where I'd like to shove that whistle." Barney said.

"What'd you say, Stinson?" The ref called, and Barney flinched, fleeing to hide behind Robin.

"I said, we'll be leaving now, sorry for the disruption."

Robin rolled her eyes at Barney's cowardice, and reached her hand out for Charlie to grab onto. "Come on, kiddo. Let's go get some ice cream."


	13. Christmas at the Scherbatsky's

**Rating:** T

**Characters:** Robin, Barney

**Prompt:** Apodyopis - The act of mentally undressing someone. / Gymnophoria - The sensation that someone is mentally undressing you.

* * *

Robin and Barney shared a glance from across the dinner table, they mirrored each other's misery. Neither of them wanted to be here, but it was Christmas. They'd spent the previous year with Barney's family, and they promised Robin's mother that they would be in Canada this year.

Robin loved her family, in very small doses. It had been a week, and Barney and Robin hadn't gotten more than an hour alone together since they arrived. Due to overcrowding Robin and Barney were forced to sleep on an air mattress in Katie's room — which meant no hanky panky.

They were becoming desperate. Robin had even tried to sneak into Barney's shower earlier, but was whisked away on a hunting trip with her uncles.

Barney stared at Robin, and began one of their telepathic conversations.

_We need to get out of here._

Robin shrugged, and replied telepathically.

I know, but everywhere we go my family is there.

_At least we're safe inside our minds._

Was that a Spongebob reference?

_Oh god, Robin we need to get out of here. I'm losing my mind._

Relax. Just two more days and we'll be home.

_I don't know if I can wait that long._

We don't even have to wait until we're home. We could do it on the plane.

_Mile high club?_

Barney winked, and Robin kicked him lightly from under the table. Her foot lingered on his leg, slowly moving up his thigh.

_You little minx._

This dress is so tight, I kind of just want to rip it off.

_Scherbatsky, stop._

What? I'm just saying I can't wait to get back to the room and undo each button.

_I'm sitting next to your grandmother._

Remember the last time I wore a dress like this? You literally ripped it off. The buttons went flying across the room.

_This is painful._

I love that tie you're wearing.

_Don't._

All I'm saying is that it really brings out your eyes, it looks great on you.

_You. _

But do you know where it would better?

_Dare._

Tied around your wrist, locking you to the headboard.

Barney shifted awkwardly, Robin could visibly see how uncomfortable he was, and she was loving every second of it. Robin placed her foot in his lap, and grinned at him. Barney's eye twitched slightly, and Robin had to hold back laughter.

_I'm leaving the table right now._

Are you sure you want to do that right now?

_Nevermind, I can't stand up._

I know the feeling. That's why we agreed that we are never using the sex swing after running a marathon.

_Robin, please. I can feel your eyes undressing me._

I'm just replaying some of our greatest moments. Speaking of replaying, remember that video we made a couple weeks ago?

_I'm trying not to._

Oh come on, you know the one. I had just gone to that waxing place with Lily, and when I came home —

"Stop!"

The entire table fell silent, twenty pairs of eyes stared at Barney.

"Barney, is everything alright?" Robin's mother asked, and Barney nodded in response.

_You're going to pay for this._

Bring it.


	14. After The Wedding

**Rating: **T

**Characters: **Barney, Robin

**Prompt: **Capernoited: Slightly drunk or tipsy

* * *

Barney climbed into the back of the limo, and saw Robin lying across the seats. He laughed, "What are you doing?"

Robin grabbed him by the lapel of his suit and pulled Barney on top of her, kissing him with a desperate passion. Her pink lipstick smudging on his lips.

Barney could taste the champagne on her tongue, she was tipsy, which explained her affection. Barney wanted to take in this moment, and realize the weight of what just happened. He stopped their kisses, and looked down at his beautiful bride.

Robin stared up at him, her eyes softened from the alcohol and the dizzying amount of love she felt for him.

"We're married." Barney's tone conveyed shock, but the smile on his lips confirmed he was thrilled.

In a breathless voice of disbelief, Robin repeated the sentence. "We're married."

"You're my wife." Barney chuckled as the words left his mouth. He was so overwhelmed with the reality of the day that he couldn't do anything but laugh.

Robin replied as giggles escaped from her mouth, "I'm your wife."

Barney continued to laugh harder, "I'm a husband."

"You're _my _husband."

"We got married." They said in unison, and their fit of laughter was unstoppable.

The two laughed until tears streamed down their cheeks, and their bellies ached.

Barney wiped a tear from the corner of Robin's eye once their laughter settled. He was still laying on top of her.

"There's only one way to solidify this union." Robin said in a serious tone.

"Doing it as many times as possible until the cab reaches the airport?"

"Of course!"


	15. The Drumroll

**Rating:** T (for language)

**Characters: **Robin, Ted, Barney

**Prompt: **Basorexia: an overwhelming desire to kiss

* * *

Ted had this ridiculous theory that he'd picked up from one of his countless "Future Mrs. Mosby"'s. He claimed that the moment leading up to the kiss— or the drumroll— was better than the actual kiss itself. Barney had scoffed when his best friend told him that.

"Laaaaaaame. Ted, have you learned nothing? Kissing is like cuddling or sex with eye contact, too intimate."

"You really don't kiss on the lips?" A perplexed expression crossed Barney's overly romantic friend's face.

"The only time you kiss a chick on the lips is if you get to slip your dick between her hips."

Barney lifted his hand for a high five, but Ted just shook his head in disapproval. Barney shrugged and slapped his own hand, "Self-five."

"Who are you, Richard Gere in Pretty Woman?" Ted asked with a laugh, clearly amused by his own reference.

"I'm revoking your dude membership, yet again. This is just sad, Ted, you just got it back last week."

* * *

But tonight was different. He'd been prowling their usual bar, Scotch in hand, suit pressed, voice suave and seductive. Barney was feeling good, he was even considering using his real identity tonight.

Barney slinked over to a brunette at the bar, her eyes were pale blue, her skin fair and clear. After some ostentatious flirting, he'd managed to elicit a giggle or two from her, and she agreed to follow him to the Fortress of Barnitude.

Barney opened the door for the tall brunette, then took her jacket and hung it on a nearby hook. She thanked him politely, and he offered her a seat at the kitchen counter.

"Want a drink?" Barney asked, as he picked up a small remote and pressed play, sending soft, seductive music through the apartment's surround system.

He expected her to request a wine, or a fruity frilly drink, the kind that Marshall enjoyed.

"Scotch, would be great."

Barney did a double take, women that beautiful didn't drink Scotch — she was different, and it was a huge turn on.

"A woman who drinks Scotch. Hot."

After a few glasses each, Barney found himself genuinely interested in what she had to say. She was becoming a person in his eyes, a very awesome one, at that. He laughed at her jokes, and not in a polite way, but because she was truly funny. Barney even remembered her name, "Robin Scherbatsky", at first it seemed like a mouthful, but after a couple of Scotches it rolled right off his tongue.

Barney caught himself looking her in the eyes, and an unusual feeling of warmth spread through his chest. He was resting his elbows on the counter top, leaning towards her, and Robin found herself doing the same. Their faces were only inches apart, and as the conversation hit a lull, Barney finally understood Ted's drumroll theory.

He could feel her warm breath quicken as her lips neared his, her eyes hesitantly asking for his permission. His nose barely brushed her's. Barney's overwhelming desire to kiss Robin grew, but neither wanted to end the drumroll.


	16. LeBron's Back

**Rating: **K+

**Characters: **Ted, Tracy, Robin, Lily, Barney

**Prompt:** Ted's reaction to LeBron returning to Cleveland

* * *

_July 2014_

"Barney, don't tell the joke." Lily nearly begged. But her adamant stance against this particularly crude joke only peaked Robin's interest more.

"Come on, babe, just tell me. I can take a joke."

With a devious smirk on his face, Barney rubbed his hands together. "Okay, so what's the difference between jelly and jam?"

Lily groaned, and stood up, wanting to leave the booth before he delivered the punchline that would make her want to bathe in bleach.

Ted raced into the bar, and stood at the head of the booth, and slapped a copy of the day's newspaper down on the table.

"What'cha got there, buddy?" Robin asked, her tone was more concerned for his sanity than it was for what he was about to tell them.

"Guys, _guys, GUYS!"_

Ted couldn't contain himself, he bounced up and down in place, like a little kid on Christmas morning.

"Ted, this better be good, you just interrupted the jelly vs. jam joke."_  
_

"Oh, trust me bro, this is better than that joke."

Barney pouted childishly, "I doubt it."

"LeBron's back! So HA!"

The gang looked at him, not nearly as impressed or excited by this news as Ted, but he didn't seem to notice.

"For years, _years,_" He repeated the word for emphasis. "you all have mocked me for holding onto hope. But who's pathetic and can't let go now?! Huh?! That's right! Not me. LeBron is back! Which means your jokes are over."

Tracy walked in the bar, and took a seat beside Lily. She saw the newspaper turned to the sports section on the table and sighed.

"Oh god, he's still talking about the LeBron thing?"

Lily nodded, and Barney groaned, pressing his forehead to the wooden table. Robin gently stroked the back of his hair, tuning out Ted's rant.

Tracy reached her hand out to grab Ted's, "Sweetie, I think they get it. You're excited, LeBron is back, the reign of terror is over. Can we please talk about something else?"

Ted nodded, seeing the amount of disinterest in his friends' expressions. "Okay, fine."

Barney's head shot up, "Great, now I can finish what I was saying before. So, Tracy, Robin, what's the difference between jelly and jam?"

_Later that night_

Tracy walked into Ted's bedroom, she was wearing pink pajama shorts and a thin black tanktop, she held a glass of water in her hand. She took a sip from the glass, then placed it on the bedside table before joining Ted in his king sized bed.

Ted held his iPad in his hands,a pair of glasses sat on the tip of his nose as he read. Tracy snuggled up close to him, placing her head on his chest and wrapping her leg across his. He smiled down at her, and kissed her on her forehead.

Tracy peered up at the iPad's screen and smiled when she saw he was reading another LeBron article.

"This is a big deal to you isn't it?" She asked sincerely.

Ted shrugged, "Well, it is kind of awesome."

"Tell me all about it."

Ted placed the iPad in his lap and took off his glasses, he was unsure if she was messing with him. Her large brown eyes looked at him with genuine interest, they were encouraging to speak. A cheesy grin spread across his face as he spoke enthusiastically.

He began from the very beginning— as always— sparing no minor detail. Ted explained each and every Cleveland/LeBron joke that the gang had made over the years.

Tracy smiled, listening intently as Ted spoke.

She knew how much he loved to tell his stories, and she loved to listen to them. The smooth tenor of his voice was oddly soothing, she found comfort in his long winded speeches and heartfelt tales. Tracy loved the way he got so involved in his stories, the vivid detail and imagery he used to describe the most simple of concepts made her feel like she was watching it all unfold before her own eyes.


	17. Rotten Inside

**Rating: T **

**Characters:** Ted, Robin, Barney

**Prompt:** Druxy - Something which looks good on the outside, but is actually rotten inside.

* * *

They were a gorgeous couple. She was five foot seven, wore her loose brown curls in a neat bun, her gray-blue eyes framed by her side bangs. She wore a floor length dark violet gown, with a slit that reached up her thigh. Her three inch silver heels matched perfectly with the silver tear drop earrings hanging from her lobes. He wore a dashing black tux, and authentic Italian dress shoes. He wore a rolex on his wrist, and modest silver band on his left hand, one identical to his wife's. His brown hair was neatly brushed down from its usual bedhead.

They entered the hall with smiles upon their faces, her arm linked through his. But there was an emptiness in his eyes. He was married to the beautiful and successful news reporter, Robin Scherbatsky. Yet, it wasn't enough. Robin couldn't give him the one thing he truly wanted from life, the one thing he needed. Robin couldn't have kids, and was unwilling to compromise on it. Prior to arriving at the annual architect's ball they'd have another one of their spats.

* * *

"Robin, this is my _dream_."

"What about _my _dream? Here you are being successful, releasing your second building next month, and what about me? I could be in Paris, or Tokyo right now."

"Do you think I'm holding you back?"

"You're the reason I turn down all my international gigs!"

"I never asked you to do that!"

Robin was fuming, tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, threatening to ruin her eyeshadow.

"You know, it wouldn't hurt you to be a bit spontaneous sometimes."

"Oh, sorry I'm not more like _Barney." _Sarcasm oozed from his words like venom as he practically spat the name at her.

_"_Why do you do that? Why do you always bring him up?" Robin shouted back, her face growing red from embarrassment.

"Because I see the way he looks at you, Robin."

"Please, Barney is a pig, he looks at everyone like that."

"You said his name during sex!"

"It was one time!"

* * *

Robin's painted lips upheld a smile for every picture, she laughed at every ridiculous joke, clapped for every monotonous speech. She was playing the role of the loving wife, and was extremely believable.

Their closest friends, Lily and Marshall believed every second of the facade. Lily's second pregnancy was the reason they'd begun trying for a baby. Ted was also trying to keep up with them. He pushed Robin to go to a specialist, and when she found out about her infertility, he began the discussion of adoption with Marshall before ever consulting Robin.

Barney was the only one who saw through it. He knew exactly what covering misery with smile looked like, he was a professional. As the years went on, he'd retreated further and further from the perfect quartet of married people. No one seemed to notice, except Robin.

She'd felt guilty for how much time she'd spent with him, but it was always platonic. The more she fought with Ted, the further she dove into her friendship with Barney. He appreciated her affinity for fine cigars and strong Scotch. Barney loved going to the gun range with her, and understood her daddy issues. Together they'd made the most kickass of laser tag teams.

Robin had been sure to make almost no physical contact with Barney — with the exception of high fives and the occasional fist bump. Robin was what he called "The Ultimate Bro" and "The Best Wingman Ever". She'd never showed any affection towards him directly, but he'd been the star of several if not all of her fantasies. Robin wasn't cheating, but she felt like she was having an emotional affair, and she was guilty for it. But not guilty enough to stop.

From the outside, Robin and Ted's relationship seemed flawless, in reality is was rotting like a dead fish. It was only a matter of time before it fell apart.


	18. What Almost Was

**Rating:** T

**Characters:** Robin and Barney

**Prompt:** This is takes place around the time of the episode "Ten Sessions" (season 3 episode 13)

* * *

"Oh! I told you! Pay up bitch!" Robin sang happily.

Barney laughed at her enthusiasm and shook his head as he reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. He counted out $60 and handed it to Robin.

"Alright, Scherbatsky. You got me this time."

Robin counted the bills in her hand as Barney turned his attention back to the television. The previous night's football game was being replayed through the TiVo.

"You know, I almost feel bad for taking your money."

Barney removed two cigars from his pocket, and handed her one.

"Do you really?" He asked skeptically, diverting his attention from the television.

She snorted out a laugh, "Nope. You're literally throwing it away."

"Me? Barney Stinson? Throwing away money? Woman, you best check yourself."

Robin lit her cigar and took a pull before speaking again. "Oh come on Barney, you bet on the Jets. You would've been better off shredding your money. Plus these cigars-"

Robin paused and took anther pull.

"They're amazing!"

"Cuban Imported." Barney said smugly.

"Exactly." Robin made a toilet flushing noise with her mouth.

"Fine. Next time I'll get those cheap drugstore cigars that taste like manure rolled in loose leaf."

"You know what manure tastes like?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure you do."

Robins face burned red, "Oh no. We promised we wouldn't bring that up again. Ever."

Barry smile deviously, and proceeded to imitate Robin's voice "It's in my hair!"

Robin punched him in the arm with more force than he expected. But Barney laughed it off.

"Well, at least I never tried to sleep with my cousin."

"I didn't try to sleep with her! We were just dancing!"  
Barney claimed defensively.

Robin placed her cigar between her pointer and middle finger and grabbed her beer with the other hand.

"Whatever you say, Swarley."

Barney stood up and walked to his bedroom.

Robin paused the TiVo and sat in silence for a minute or two, trying to decide if she'd gone too far. She was about to get up and apologize, when Barney ran out of the room victoriously. He held a small DVD in his hand and pranced around the room, waving it wildly.

"Barney, what is that?" Fear bubbled up deep in Robin's belly. She put out her cigar and stood up, following him around the room.

"You wanna go there, Scherbatsky? Because I'll go there."

"Go where? Barney, what is that a video of?"

Barney ignored her, holding the disc above her head, out of reach to her.

"You know, I'm actually not sure. I got it at the _mall_."

Robin's eyes widened in horror. "Is that-?"

"The Let's Go To The Mall music video with out takes and bonus 'making of Robin Sparkles' features? I BELIEVE SO!"

Barney laughed evilly at the ceiling, facing his back to her. An abrupt and sudden weight gain threw him off guard. Barney looked over his shoulder and saw Robin latching herself onto his back, like a baby monkey. She swatted at his hand, sending the disc flying to the ground and shattering.

"Yes!" Robin called as she lifted a hand in victory.

"Ooo, bad move Scherbatsky."

He pushed her off his back onto the couch, but before he could tackle her, Robin fought back kicking him to the ground. Barney's chest pressed against the floor. Robin sat on his lower back, and giggled as he squirmed under her weight. Barney lifted himself, causing Robin to fall on the floor. They wrestled some more, pushing one another to the ground.

After a couple minutes Robin had pinned Barney against the ground. She gripped his wrists and pressed them to the floor, as she sat on his lower abdomen. Their laughter settled and sexual tension replaced the playful energy in the room.

Their eyes met. The tension could be cut with a knife. Robin felt her heartbeat quicken, as his eyes narrowed and he lifted one eyebrow. She knew what he was asking, and her body was begging to say yes.

Robin tightened her grip on his wrists, keeping them well above his head. She leaned forward, until their faces were just inches apart, her chest meeting his. Barney smirked in anticipation, as his eyes bore into hers. Blue meeting blue, like the bank where the river becomes the ocean. Robin's eyes melted into his, surrendering to his every advance. Robin smiled breathlessly, in that moment she no longer wanted him, she needed him. Every fiber of her being was screaming to be touched by him, to be kissed by him. She knew the moment their lips touched there was no going back.

Let's Go to the Mall began to play softly in the distance, and Barney laughed. Robin sat up abruptly, the sound of her teenage voice had shattered the intimacy of the moment.

"Is that your ringtone?" She asked incredulously.

"Great, huh?"

Robin rolled her eyes and stood up, finally freeing Barney. He stood up and dusted off his suit, laughing as he walked to the kitchen and picked up his phone from the counter.

"Go for Barney."

Barney walked into his bedroom as he spoke into the phone.

Robin placed her hand on her forehead and gently rubbed her temples. She couldn't believe what she had almost done.

When Barney returned, Robin had gathered her things, and was in the process of putting on her shoes.

"Hey, everything alright?"

"Uh, yeah. Everything's great. It's um, getting late. So…" Robin pointed to the door behind her.

Barney sensed the awkwardness she was feeling and just nodded.

"Yeah, I guess we could just watch the rest of the game another time."

"Yeah. I guess so."

Barney grabbed her jacket off the hook, and handed it to her. He opened the door, and they hugged awkwardly.

"I'll see you tomorrow then." He said.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

Barney closed the door behind her, and walked over to the living room. He turned off the television. Barney had just pulled a beer from the fridge when he heard a knock on the door. The silhouette behind the door was tall and slender, he knew exactly who it was before he opened the door.

"Robin, everything alright?"

"Yeah, I uh, forgot, my um…" Robin was searching desperately for an excuse.

"Your …?"

"Oh, fuck it."

Robin grabbed the lapel of Barney's suit and pressed her lips against his. His hands quickly cupped the back of her head, pulling her into a deeper more passionate kiss. Their kisses quickly change from exploratory to hungry. Barney's hands moved down the length of her back, until they reached her ass.

Barney felt Robin pulling slightly away from him, and he opened his eyes, breaking their kiss. Robin covered her mouth as she began to giggle.

"I'm sorry." She said between giggles.

Barney looked back at her and began to laugh as well. He moved his hands off her and stared at Robin.

Finally their laughter settled, and Robin broke the silence.

"That was weird wasn't it?" She asked.

"Yeah, it kind of was." He lied.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that. It was a mistake."

"It was a mistake to stop."

Robin was taken aback by his comment, "What do you mean?"

"Come on, Robin, you're single and smoking hot, I'm single and smoking hot. It wasn't that weird." He encouraged.

She shook her head, "No, Barney, we can't. We're friends, we hang out in the same circle. It will screw up the dynamic of the group."

Barney nodded, "Yeah, um, you're right."

"I should just go."

"Yeah."

Robin walked out the door and turned to face him. "Just friends. Right?"

Barney nodded, "Right. Bros first."

"One more thing," she had a look of apprehension on her face.

"Anything." He encouraged.

"Don't mention this to anyone. Alright? Especially not Ted."

Barney pantomimed locking his lips with a key and tossing the key over his shoulder.

Robin smiled, and kissed Barney on the cheek, "You're a good friend, Barney."

"You're a good kisser, Scherbatsky."

The two laughed lightly, then Robin waved at him and left.


End file.
